How to be ‘that guy’ or ‘that girl’
Males
- Slam the weights down as hard as possible
Sometimes, just dropping the weights isn’t enough to let everyone around you know that you’re really strong, so when you finish your set, be sure to throw them down as if gravity just multiplied. You want everybody to know how much of a badass you are.
- Make an animalistic noise with every repetition you complete
The idea here is to replicate the noises of an animal with extraordinary physical prowess like a lion or a gorilla. This is to let the watering hole know that the alpha male is in the room, so you’re not associated with any of the lesser homosapiens.
- Wear the tightest clothing possible
If your t-shirt still looks unmistakeably like a t-shirt, try a size smaller. If people are confused whether the t-shirt you’re wearing is in fact a vest because the sleeves are so high up that your deltoids are poking their medial heads out from underneath, then you’re on the right track. When you get a pump you want to show as much definition through your t-shirt as possible. This will undoubtedly get the sexual hormones flowing from that girl on the abductor machine you’ve been staring at for the last few months.
- Leave the weights you were just using lying on the floor
You’re like a dog urinating. Marking your territory, it’s just natural. You’ve been Dumbbell pressing the 45kgs but you have to move on now, and you still want everybody to know exactly how much you were lifting when you’re gone. Besides, you’re doing the skinnier guys a favour, they are more likely to put on muscle if they are clearing up the weights for you.
- Take a gym selfie
That way everybody on Facebook and Instagram knows how much your biceps have grown. Nobody seems to be commenting on them in the gym anyway – and you need to feed your ego too.
Females
- Only use cardio machines
Lifting weights will make you bulky. You don’t want to be bulky, you want to be toned. Plus, when you’re walking on a 1-degree incline at 3.4mph it’s the perfect time to text your friends. Be careful not to go any higher than 3.5mph though, you don’t want your calves to get too big. Besides, you will burn more calories on the treadmill so you can earn that pumpkin spiced latte in Starbucks when you meet with your girls later on.
- If you’re squatting, be sure to do it in full view of the alpha males
Only because you’re a team player. Testosterone levels will rise within the vicinity, ultimately allowing the males to lift more weight and build more muscle. I can guarantee you that they will be thankful for it.
- At least 50% of your time in the gym should be spent choosing your Instagram filter
You want to look as toned and as tanned as possible. Get this wrong and it could cost you likes. This is not a decision that should be rushed. Take screenshots and compare them side by side if necessary.
- Sniff check your pits
You didn’t shower this morning so you decide to use half a bottle of perfume to cover it up, but if anyone gets too close they might be able to smell the truth. Be subtle about it. Lean against a piece of equipment or head towards the lateral pulldown machine so you can take a quick whiff. Nobody will notice.
- Blame your flatulence on the nearest male in the vicinity
Everybody knows women don’t fart, right? Catching your friends eye and pulling a face as if you’d just smelt it is a great way to pass the buck. With a contorted face, start looking around as if you’re searching for a culprit, that way nobody will think it was you.
I sincerely hope this has been informative.
Sam Austin
P.S. If this article has left you feeling confused, I’m only having a giggle.
